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I realize that I am way behind on blogging. These days I feel overwhelmed more times than not. And surprisingly it is not from the stress of a new baby or the stress from having 3 kids to take care of. It's more from the realization that the days that I have with these little creatures are fleeting. The days that I thought were never ending quickly slipped through my fingers. They left without warning and left me wondering how I ended up with a 7 and 5 year old. Weren't they just babies? Wasn't I just asking for advice on potty training or trying to wean one from a pacifier? How did they grow up so fast on me?
While in the thick of sleepless nights, colic, tantrums, doctor appointments, colds, stomach viruses, potty training and first days of preschool somehow my babies grew up on me. And it all happened when I wasn't looking. It happened when I was trying to keep the house organized or trying to get one more thing done for work. The times I shoo'd them away to go play and let me have 5 more minutes, it all happened so fast. The times I promised myself that I would be a better mom...tomorrow, but tonight they need to go to bed 30 minutes earlier. The nights I promised I'd read another book...tomorrow night. Those promises were quickly forgotten the next day and the story was never read or the cookies went unbaked. Those days seemed endless, stressful and just overwhelming. There were days I would sit and cry with them both, wondering if I would ever get the hang of this Mommy thing. I would go to bed feeling guilty because I had put them off all day, promising to play in a few minutes. "Just let Mommy get this last thing finished..." I didn't do it on purpose or because I wanted to hurt their feelings, it's just life happens and things come up and sometimes the important things get pushed to the side.
I'm being so completely raw with this post. I'm exposing some of my biggest failures as a mother. I have put meaningless things above spending quality time with the most precious gifts that I have ever been given. But I think it is something that almost all parents are guilty of. It is hard to balance life sometimes. And I didn't even realize I was doing it, until I had Warren. When I held his tiny body and I looked at my big boys it hit me. They are so big now. I didn't savor the time I had with them as babies. I'm not soaking in the time I have with them now like I should. I am not enjoying them the way I should be. I need to unplug, hang up and go play legos. I need to grab another book at bedtime and read it like it's the first time, not the 900th. I need to not rush the bedtime prayers and let Zack thank God for every single person he has ever laid eyes on. I need to go see that picture he drew, because if I keep saying 'just a minute...' he may stop asking. If I keep putting off that 2nd book at bedtime he may not ask me to read them tomorrow night. There is a last time for every single stage of parenting, and many times we don't even realize it was the last time until it's over. I don't remember the last time I rocked them to sleep because I was too busy trying to get them to fall asleep on their own. I didn't savor and relish that last rock, or smell their hair and drink in the sweet sweet smell of baby before they turned into little boys.
So I am officially making a New Year's Resolution. It isn't to lose this pregnancy weight, or start eating healthier. Although, I need to do that too. But instead my resolution is to try and appreciate these days, no matter how stressful or overwhelming they may seem. I want to play battleship with Eli and drag out 900 socks with Zack, because one day they won't want to do these things with me anymore. I will sit and hold Warren if that's what it takes for him to get a nap. And I won't complain about getting up with him through the night, because these days are numbered. They are fleeting...slipping through my fingers like grains of sand never to be gotten back.