I cannot breastfeed, so what?

As I was lying in bed last night, thinking up this post, I originally thought that I would tell you all the reasons I could not breastfeed to justify giving up a few days ago. I’ve decided I will not do that because there is no reason I should feel like I have to justify myself. Let’s just suffice it to say I tried everything I could and breastfeeding just did not work out for us. It didn’t work with my first son either, but I did last a little longer this time- almost two months.

When I was first told I had to offer my newest baby formula- he was two weeks old, white as a ghost and super skinny. He was, in my opinion, a content baby- having had a very hard to handle baby- my oldest. I quickly found out what a REALLY content baby he was, when his tummy was actually full. When the doctor told me to supplement my little ghost baby I cried. Oh my, the doctor had to listen to me cry for close to an hour. You see, society had made me feel like less of a Mom if I could not breastfeed. I ACTUALLY looked forward to breastfeeding in public. Yes, I know breastfeeding mothers are fighting their own path with this issue, but that is not the discussion here. The few times I breastfeed little man in public I had nothing but positive comments, and boy, it made me proud. I was doing the RIGHT thing- the healthy thing- the accepted thing. At least that is how I felt. Now, some man was telling me that little dude was not gaining any of the weight he had lost back and he needed that dreaded formula! You know, the rat poison? I knew he was skinny, I dreaded that appointment because I knew in my heart what would be said. So, we went home and out came the bottle that resembles a boob to avoid any confusion. Out came our little formula samples. In popped the bottle. What happened? Little man THRIVED, but after a few weeks little man started to fight Mama. Bottle was easier, who could blame him? So, now two months later, our breastfeeding days are done.

I could tell you that I gave him two months of the good stuff, that’s what I recite to myself anyway- but I am not going to. He is now formula fed, he is a formula baby, and I should not feel bad about that. I SHOULD feel bad for judging women who choose not to breastfeed and go straight to formula- for NOT giving it a shot. I should be ashamed for thinking this way; because I see the looks that people give me when I give little man a bottle in public. I see the judgment passed on me because he is formula fed. It is insane! We HAVE to stop judging one another!! Please do not spout off those stupid words that babies bond better with their Moms if they are breastfed- that mothers are more in tune with their children. SPARE ME! Let me tell you, I fought a good fight trying to breastfeed and fighting that fight made me lose track of the precious moments. Life was all about the million pills I was taking to produce, the foods I had to eat, the pumping. I lost the magic of those first few weeks with my new baby and his big brother. Having him and feeding him became a chore. Now that little man is on the bottle, we are both so much happier. He is a chunkier little monkey (though still on the smaller side) he is happy- not cranky like he was before when he was hungry. I look at his sweet face and the bond is ten times what it was when we were both so unhappy because I refused to give up breastfeeding. My other little guy seems a million times happier because Mommy’s life does not revolve around her boobs. We all, as a family, are happier. Do I love my little man less because I gave up? Am I bonded less? Is it any more dangerous for me to cosleep? Give me a break! My five year old and I have a bond that I doubt many Moms have with their kids and he was breastfed for only 8 days. How we feed our kids do not make who we are as parents. Love decides that.

-Paige