In the Last Weeks of My Last Pregnancy...

I'm not going to lie, I am so happy to be nearing the end of this pregnancy.  It has not been easy this time around. It has not been awful, but in comparison to my other 2, it's been challenging.  I had 20 weeks (that's like 5 months) of morning sickness that was not just in the mornings but all day long.  I have had more braxton hicks contractions than I ever had with my other 2 combined. I have been blessed with wonderful pregnancy acne that has not only conspired on my face but on my chest and back as well.  But even though I am glad to be in the last 7-8 weeks of this pregnancy, it is still very bittersweet.  This is my very last pregnancy.  When I go in for my third c-section the doctor will be performing a tubal.  And while I know that I am done, there is still a small part of me that dreads having this done.

The finality of the decision to not have anymore children is one that is not easily made.  As much as I know 3 kids is plenty and will complete our family, part of me knows that having this done will be hard on me emotionally.  I feel like I have spent so much of my adult life either trying to get pregnant, being pregnant or taking care of babies.  This is my 5th pregnancy, our first 2 babies were lost to miscarriage, so I feel like deciding to never become pregnant again is such a huge decision.  But, alas, me and my husband have made this decision and feel confident in it.


With this decision comes a lot of moments that make my heart ache.  Every movement I feel in my womb reminds me that soon he will be in my arms and I'll never feel those little thuds again.  When he gets the hiccups, I just stop what I am doing and marvel in rhythmic little jumps coming from my growing baby. Each time I am asked if I am going to 'try one more time for a girl', and I reply that no we are done after this one, I am astonished at the confidence in my voice.  But in my heart there is a tinge of sadness that I can feel.  I can't really explain it. I don't want any more kids, but just knowing that I will be 'DONE' is hard to accept some days.  But for now, I am enjoying the last weeks of my last pregnancy...